Common Personality Traits That May Be Fueling Your Chronic Pain

There are some common personality traits that are associated with a higher likelihood of developing chronic pain and other non-pain chronic symptoms such as dizziness, IBS or chronic fatigue syndrome. It may be more helpful to think of these traits as adaptive strategies for coping with stressful or fear inducing situations. You may have developed these traits and strategies early in life based on our family dynamics, role models and early relational experiences. Any one of these may have served a purpose and may have been an effective strategy at one time in your life or several, but they all communicate a sense of threat to your brain and nervous system which fuels chronic symptoms and perpetuates the pain-fear cycle. It may be time to shed those old coping strategies in favor of some that allow you to slow down, rest, cultivate self compassion and acceptance, release what is not yours to control, set and honor healthy boundaries, embrace your emotions and prioritize your sense of safety and ease.

Let’s take a look at these common personality traits that can fuel chronic pain and other symptoms, plus some tips for adapting your strategies to support your well being.

Perfectionism

Striving for perfection, holding high and often unattainable expectations of yourself and attaching your sense of self worth to your achievements are all ways of putting a lot of pressure on yourself and communicating to your brain and nervous system that you are not safe just as you are. Perfectionism trains your nervous system to remain on high alert and it can be har2d to ever truly feel relaxed. The pursuit of perfection feeds the inner critic and tells us that we are not good enough, often leading to feelings of shame. Maybe you grew up in a high achieving household or felt like love, acceptance and belonging were conditional based on proving your worthiness. Perfectionism can be a strategy for receiving validation and love that otherwise feels out of reach. This adaptive strategy can produce results that look like great success from the outside, but it may also come with hidden costs and nagging chronic symptoms.

Tip:

Slow down, take some slow breaths and remind yourself that you are deserving of rest. You are enough, just as you are. When you notice the inner critic looking over your shoulder, that’s a great opportunity to practice self compassion. A great way to tap into self compassion is to treat yourself like you would a friend or loved one if they were in your shoes. What would you say to comfort and lift them up, to reassure them of their inherent goodness. Identify what you would say and try writing this down or speaking it directly to yourself.

Worrying

If you had formative experiences that made you feel out of control or that reminded you that the world can be a pretty uncertain and scary place, then worrying is a strategy for managing that uncertainty and getting control back or at least perceiving that you’ve regained some control or protection. This one is a hallmark personality trait of mind-body symptoms. You might be particularly keen to problem solve and be on the lookout for the worst-case scenario in any situation as a way of anticipating every possible outcome, so you can be prepared for all the bad ones. It can look like worrying that something terrible and tragic happened to a loved one when they are a little late returning home.

Worrying can be a trauma response and can also be passed down from older relatives. If you grew up with a parent or someone in your close circle who worried a lot, we are hardwired to up regulate to the most scared person in the room. We don’t want to miss the threat, so we’re likely to adapt to the fear level of our caregivers. Worrying is often times a trauma response, where you may have learned that the worst case scenario could in fact happen and did. Navigating your worry and fearful thoughts can be especially tricky in this situation and learning to trust yourself in an uncertain world and connect to a sense of safety presents more challenges.

Tip:

We are hardwired to be on the lookout for threats, so it takes some conscious effort to hold a more balanced perspective. When you catch yourself conjuring up the worst-case scenario, flip the script and come up with a best-case scenario and something in between the two. Imagine things working out as often as you anticipate them being a problem. Reflect on past experiences where things did work out and you were able to navigate the challenges in front of you. Look for times that you weren’t in control and things worked out anyway. It may even be helpful to make a list of positive examples to build your confidence and come back to when the worry creeps back in.

People Pleasing

This strategy may have developed early in life, often a result of feeling that love, attention or approval are dependent upon meeting the needs and expectations of others. You may have learned to prioritize other’s preferences over your own. People pleasing can offer short term relief in managing relationships, but can lead to a disconnection from your authentic self and contribute to stress related health issues over time. It can be an avoidance strategy to managing your own feelings of anxiety about potential conflict or relational discomfort. As humans we are hardwired for connection with others and we also have an innate desire to be loved and accepted as our true selves. And we want to experience that these things can go hand in hand and not be separate. So, while you might feel safe in the short term when prioritizing others and only showing up as part of yourself, it often leads to resentments and a lack of felt security in your relationships. If you always show up in a certain way, you’re essentially sending the message to your brain that it’s dangerous to be authentic and to have certain wants, needs and boundaries.

Tip:

Start to prioritize your authenticity and set healthy boundaries. Get some practice saying no. If someone puts you on the spot, let them know you’ll get back to them and give yourself some time to determine what you actually do or don't want before your respond. Start by setting boundaries and showing up as your true self with the people who you feel most safe with and that you know have your best interests at heart. Share that this is a work in progress for you and ask for their support as you build these skills. As you gain comfort and confidence, expand to the relationships that trigger more anxiety or the desire to fall back into your old ways of operating.

Stoicism/Emotional Suppression

At some point in life you may have learned that expressing certain emotions was discouraged, ignored or punished. As a result, it’s common to develop a pattern of repressing certain feelings to gain approval, fit in, avoid conflict or rejection and ultimately maintain a sense of connection and belonging. This can be a useful strategy at times when it feels critical to set our emotions aside in order to get through a challenging situation feeling resilient, but our emotions are an essential aspect to getting our needs met and suppressing them doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t there. It means you’ve grown adept at pushing them away and your brain and nervous system have learned those emotions aren’t safe. When those emotions bubble up in spite of one’s best effort to tamp them down, it can cause fear and trigger the brain’s threat detection system. You might worry that if you open Pandora’s box on that emotion, you might never get it closed again. Since this often occurs subconsciously, you may not even know you are having a fear response, you might just feel pain or another symptom.

Tip:

Build emotional awareness by noticing and identifying the physical sensations associated with your strong emotions. Do you feel heat or tightness or heaviness or numb, do you feel it in your chest, belly or throat? You could try slowing down and breathing into the sensations. Tenderly placing your hand over your chest and offering a message of safety to your brain “it’s safe to feel this emotion and these sensations”. Doing so can help to retrain your brain and nervous system not to fear your true feelings.

Explore what feels safe to you in the context you’re in. Are there people around that you feel safe expressing your feelings to or is it enough to express it and build awareness within yourself?

Developing new habits and coping strategies takes time, as does rewiring your brain toward safety and the process is likely to have some ups and downs. Above all, self compassion may just be the biggest ally on your journey. After all, we are all doing the best we can from our particular point on the path.

What traits and experiences do you identify with and what tools have you found helpful in navigating them? If you are struggling to untangle yourself from any of these traits and get relief from chronic symptoms, consider working with a mind-body practitioner.

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